THIS TIME IT WAS ME!

                                            

 

FAMILY! 

Oh how I have missed you! It has been a long couple of weeks and let me tell you, we have A LOT to talk about. So get your snack and a drink. This may take a minute. 

I have been dealing with ME! In doing so I have had to be in a place of full repentance and forgive myself on so many different levels. I have had to accept that I am not as great of a person as I think I am. The last blog I wrote was about it not being YOU, this one is about when IT IS. I know it is so much easier to deal with things when its someone else fault, but when we have no one to blame but ourselves that's when it gets real. 

When its someone else fault then you are free from the things that force you into change. Things like accountability, responsibility, self reflection, and growth. Its always easier to tell someone else where they need to grow then it is to look in the mirror and tell yourself the same thing. This last week I had to look at myself and say "SYMONE, IT IS TIME TO GROW!". This was one the hardest most emotional conversations I have ever had with myself. 

One thing I have learned is when you ask him for more, or you start praying about other people and their place in your life, the VERY FIRST thing he will do is put a mirror in your face. Before I hated this, but now it makes so much sense. The most vital person in your journey to growth is YOU. Everyone around you can change, but if you don't than it wont matter. People will move on and up with or without you, trust me. I have spent so much of my life blaming other people and not taking accountability for the choices I made. Not accepting that if I had made better decisions than I could've prevented MANY hardships. God has shown up for me in so many situations but the harse reality is most of those situations were on me. I created them and then begged God to come in and fix them. WE SERVE A GREAT GOD!

Let me give yall an example, so this last season of my life (i wanna say May till October), I was not a good steward over my finances. I spent money like it was growing on trees. If I'm being honest, if could pay the minimum amount on a bill until my next check, I DID. I had allowed the enemy to convince me i was getting over or outsmarting the system for lack of better terms. Not realizing that when I did that the late fees were adding up. So when I couldn't pay the minimum anymore, i had a huge balance I couldn't afford. Now here I was again begging God to come in and help me. The only difference is this time God is making me sit in it. God is sitting me down and making me feel what it feels like to "only pay the minimum". He is making me understand that this is a lesson that can be applied to our lives outside of finances as well. 

What do I mean? Let me explain.

So sometimes we go through life and we only give the MINIMUM requirement in all aspects of our lives. Motherhood, fellowship, ministry, relationships, work, our businesses, our vehicles. So then everything only operates at that the minimum level. Also it only operates for a certain period of time until one day, its time to pay up. Now we have a pile of unsolved issues, unresolved situations, a child who wont listen to us or apply themselves to the best of their ability, a business that barely makes enough money to stay open, a ministry that isn't effective, and a job that we really don't like. One day all of these things hit you at one time and then you just have to sit in it. There is only one way out and that is a miracle from the Lord and even he is like, sit there. We have to take responsibility. Ask ourselves "Am I applying myself at a minimum level?" or "Is there more I could be doing?".

These questions will allow you to see yourself and the areas of your life that you not only need to work on but that you need to PRAY on. We will take time to pray when someone else does something to us, but how many of us pray when we are doing it to ourselves? Let me be the first to say that the struggle I am facing right now is nobody fault but my own. I didn't apply myself last season like I should have. I gave myself minimum, I gave my life and business minimum, and I even gave God minimum. Now don't take this as a word to beat yourself up. This is a blessing honestly. It is a blessing when God exposes these areas in your life because now you know what he plans to turn around for the good. He is going to come into those very places and show you why HE is GOD. 

So today, I encourage you to sit with God. Grab a pen and paper. Make a list of all the areas you believe God is showing you that you give minimum to and then be in prayer about those places. Also make a list of the things you can do to give the best you in those areas. Can you study more? Pray more? Support your ministry more? Sow more? Be consistent in your tithes? Encourage your children more? Spend more time with your husband? What about what you can do less of? Yell less? Cuss less? Sleep less? Gossip less? If your like me, Spend less?

All of this will determine your next season and how it will go. If you don't want your next to be like your last, stop giving the bare minimum and APPLY THE PRESSURE! I pray this touched and helped someone like it helped me. COMMENT and share your experience when you make your list or what God showed you as you read this. I love you all and I am excited to grow with you!

Yours truly,

EIT Symone 💓

JAMES 4:17: 

17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. 

IT IS THEM, NOT YOU!

                            HEY FAMILY!

If your anything like me than you have experienced the feeling of "why me?" right?. Like someone is always mad at you? Like you can be genuinely happy for someone else's growth and success, but when you experience God in the same way, they can barely crack a smile for you? 

Seems like in the moments you expect to be loved and celebrated, you find yourself standing alone. Hearing nothing but the beat of your own heart and Gods' voice. (sometimes just your heart) Well I am here to tell you that you are not alone! I have been on the receiving end of these emotions far too many times. Every time I found myself there, I also found myself blaming myself. 

"I shouldnt have shared"

"I shouldnt have said that"

"I shouldve said more"

"I shouldve stayed longer"

"I shouldnt have went"

All of these thousadns of self sabotaging thoughts that placed the blame of what other people thought about me.. think about me and how they feel about me, ON ME. Now, it took me years and I do mean YEARS to realize how crazy that sounded. Why am I responsible for how THEY feel?

Understand, that at one point in my life, a very long point, I wasn't the greatest person outwardly because I was such a broken person inwardly. (this could be the case for them as well) I had taken hit after hit and never stopped to nurse the wounds of any of those hits. Just kept on going and that pain turned into evil. So in those times, yes I was responsible! 

Clearly If you are a mean person then you cant expect people to treat you like your a sweetheart, but today isn't about those times. Today is about when you have grew into a better person. Your giving your all and walking in alignment. Your smiling, sowing, pouring, and praying. You're even forgiving again.

But no matter what you do, it just seems like people just do not like you. They smile at you, then curse you in their mind. Tell you they love your hair, but tell others you do too much. They tell you how powerful you are, but call you cocky the moment you turn your back. If  I learned anything about these kind of people it is this..HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT YOU IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

When I get stuck in these moments, these moments of not understanding how i can try so hard to be acceptable to the those around just to not be accepted at all, I look to Gods' word. I lean on it. I stand on it. His word tells me that whatever has set out, cant return to him void. (Isaiah 55:11) This means eventually, they will come around. The ones who don't, well they weren't meant to. God has a plan for us all and he knew that this complicated time was coming. So he is already prepared to love us through it. He is still there, with open arms, holding love and grace in his hands ready to pour it out unto you. 

Your job is not to make other people accept you, its not even to make them like you. Your job is to do what God has called you to do. You have been given an assignment and that IS your business How other people feel about you is NOT! So sister listen to me, do not let how other people feel about you slow you down. Do not let it cripple you. If you do then you will always end up right where you are, stuck. You will look up and realize that you are giving those irrelevant situations more time and attention then you are giving your assignment from the Lord. Don't believe me?

Watch this.

Has there ever been a time where something happens or someone offends you so bad that you spend your whole day talking about it to anybody who will listen, even yourself. Even in your alone time you catch yourself responding to your own thoughts and getting caught daydreaming about the way you want to react ? Then by the time you look up its late in the day and you haven't accomplished anything you wanted to accomplish that day? 

Yeah, I know. Me too.

Listen I am just like you. I have done all of the above. I also had to come to a place that I made a decision that it didn't matter that much. Now understand something, just because your taking your attention off of it doesn't mean you are saying the way you were treated or not treated was okay. You are not giving them a pass or letting them get away with it. You are just giving it God because in the end, he hits harder than you. I'm not speaking from the place of an expert either. I am speaking from the place of a Christian woman who is going from being bitter to better. I am learning all of this myself and simply sharing the knowledge.

It is THEM. They have to figure out why your light bothers them. They have to figure out why your power makes them feel small. They have to figure out why they purposely do things to make you look bad or hurt you. They have to figure out why they frown at your blessings, but smile at your pain. They have to talk and answer to God for that. They have to dig inside themselves and find out what made them bitter, then get better. IT IS THEIR BUSINESS, NOT YOURS! So after today I want you to do one thing for me. 

LET

IT

GO!

Give it to God. Pray about your pain. Then immediately after that, move on!

If this spoke to anyone, leave a comment! I get a lot of readers but im always interested in your thoughts when your done reading! Leave a comment below and I will talk to you again soon!

Your Sister,

EIT Symone 💛

ISAIAH 55:11:

"So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, But it shall accomplish what I please, And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."

Losing my Beloved baby brother, who IS my world

                      💙 ERVIN K. HARRIS 

That was his name. I recently read another blog that shed so much light on that word "WAS" but I wont dig into that until she gives me permission because I'm not a thief. 

But his name was Ervin Khalif Harris also known as YG BMB.

Honestly, and I have never said this out loud. I do NOT like YG BMB. I LOVE ERVIN. I ADORE KHALIF. 

All of them were my brother though, but YG BMB got him killed. Yes that's right, he didn't die of natural causes. He was robbed of young life. Robbed of experience. Robbed of a chance to do better. He was confident and powerful and someone killed him for it. In broad daylight, on Thanksgiving 2019 around 11:45am. I still think its crazy that early in the day on a holiday some man woke up with an evil heart and a plan to kill someone. "I think ill take a man from his family today" 

That is what he did, he took a man from his mother and father.

From his sisters.

From his brothers.

From his daughter.

From everyone who loves him. Loved him. I don't think this should be past tense because we STILL love him and it STILL hurts. Thanksgiving has never been the same for me after this. Stirring macaroni and cheese has never been simply constructing the most delicious pasta of the black community anymore. It is the sound of heartbreak. The sound of death. The sound of robbery. The sound of murder. The sound that stopped my heart and world for months. 

I will never forget standing in the kitchen of my project and answering my sisters call ready to yell about how bomb dinner was about to be. If you haven't figured it out yet, I was stirring my macaroni and cheese when I picked up. Immediately I heard her scream. This wasn't just any scream. This was the most horrific scream that I had..no that I have.. ever heard in my life. I immediately in so many ways knew someone was dead. They had to be. Nobody screams like that unless someone who is not supposed to be dead, is dead. All she kept saying was "They shot him, they shot him". Immediately I'm like wait what? 

Now back story.. when I was nine years old my uncle was also robbed, yes murdered. So this was something I was familiar with. This call, this energy I was feeling through the phone. The tightness in my stomach. I had felt it all before, only this time was stronger. Maybe because I was older or maybe because my heart knew it was my brother. Either way it was stronger. 

So finally I get the courage to ask the question that cracked my heart, we will get to the one that broke my heart soon, but the question "They shot who?" cracked my heart right down the middle. Now if I'm being honest, I knew the answer to this question before I even asked. I don't know how but I did. I knew that my world was about to shatter. My sister screamed probably louder then she was at first into the phone and said "ERVIN!". The crack got deeper, the only question left to ask, although the scariest question in my life, just escaped my lips before I could even register what she just said. "Is he dead? Sis is my brother dead?!" Her answer BROKE my heart. Broke it into a million pieces. So many pieces that its only the grace of God himself that it is coming back together. "YES!" SHE SCREAMED. 

My brother. My baby brother. My little brother. My heart. My love. My guy. My protector. The one that came when everyone else wouldn't. Was dead. Body laying cold in the middle of the Lindo park parking lot. Face down with multiple bullet holes in his body.

            He. Was. Gone. Forever. 

I hopped in my dodge charger (I loved that car and that's probably why God took it) and attempted to drive down the street in a car that was overheating by the time I left my project parking lot. Oh yeah, did I forget to say he was killed less then 10 minutes from my house? Talk about pain. I made it to the middle lane of 19th ave and buckeye and started throwing up all over my car. By the time I got to the QT on 19th ave and southern, I was in a full blown panic attack. Some how I managed to call the mistake I was making at the time (I will give you that story at another time) and she came to give me a ride to the park where my brothers dead body still lay. Now at the time of arrival, I didn't know this. She saw the coroners van and realized it. I had no idea that the van still being there meant it was a body still there. As I walked over towards where I saw a crowd of people and the yellow tape I was greeted by familiar faces from my childhood. "I am so sorry symone, we know what your brother meant to you." "I am so sorry we know how close yall were.", but the truth was..Nobody Knew. Nobody could even begin to imagine what that dead man in the street meant to me. Nobody knew that everything I believed died that day. It lay right there with him.

        How did I survive this tragedy? 

GOD.

HIS LOVE. HIS MERCY. HIS GRACE. HIS GUIDANCE. HIS MIRACLES. HIS BLESSINGS. 

He never let up. He never stopped loving on me or working on me even though I lost every bit of myself. Remember that sex addiction I told you about? Well, this was a time in my life it got bad. REAL BAD. I felt like sex could heal me. If I had sex even for a moment, I felt human. I felt something. Because after that day, I felt nothing. This was a lie and God wasted no time in showing me that. SEX IS NOT THE ANSWER AND IT CAN NOT HEAL A BROKEN HEART. If anything it will break it more.

To make matters worse, On my birthday December 17th, 2019, I was standing in front of my brothers casket at his wake. His funeral would be the following day and I would watch all my broken hearted brothers carry his casket and load all of what was left of their hearts into the back of that hearse. Now, I use to be angry about my parents scheduling his funeral on my birthday, but one day it made sense. See, growing up nobody ever came to my birthday parties. So they usually ended in me crying and saying how much I hated everyone. The last birthday I had before he was killed, he was still in prison. After everyone in the free world forgot that it was my birthday, he called. From prison to wish me a happy birthday. This was amazing because how is it the man in prison remembers but the free souls could care less. Anyway, he heard me crying and knowing what was wrong he said "I'm coming home sis, and I'm never missing another birthday!" This helped me believe that this all was for a purpose. This was my brother keeping his promise to me, even in death. I didn't know anything after that. I had no idea how I was going to move forward, but I knew I had to because I was a single mom of the most precious little boy in the world and he deserved for me to keep going. Now How? At the time I had no idea, but now I know that it was the LORD. 

Nothing BUT GOD. 

I guess that's the point of me sharing this story, here we are. November 2022, a week shy of Thanksgiving and although his trial just started and I am no where near completely over it, I am better. I am here. Living. Loving, and writing this blog without breaking down. GOD IS GOOD!

See it will be the hardest battles, the tallest mountains you face. The ones that seem impossible to overcome, where GOD will show up and do that thing that he does. He won't leave you, even though it will feel like he is not there. HE IS THERE. He is there molding the clay of your victory and cradling you in his arms. He loves you and helping you get through your hardest times is his pleasure. It gives him joy to love on you. So let him. Even though this was one of the hardest times of my life, I found myself still picking up my bible sometimes. Still studying and praying. Not as often but the fact that I still did lets me know he was there. Because it wasn't me picking up that Bible. It was HIM opening my hands and placing that Bible in them. GOD IS GOOD, even when times are not. 

So anybody reading this who has lost someone in the past, lost someone recently, or is in the process of losing someone. Understand this, GOD IS WITH YOU AND YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT. Just sit still and let God be God!

If anybody would like me to add you to my prayer list as we all heal from the lost of the ones we love, please comment and let me know! 

With Love and Prayer,

your sister EIT Symone 💪

PSALM 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Sex is NOT the answer! Oh and sex demons are REAL!

 

HI AGAIN! 😊

I pray you enjoyed my introduction post! I also pray you paid attention to the part where I said I was going to be EXTRA transparent! If not, well, now you know! I honestly thought at first, "this is too much too soon Symone", but this is why we here right? I said it was a safe space for you, so it has to be for me too! 

I battle a sexual addiction, well a sexual demon. Notice I said "I battle" and not "I HAVE"... everything you say has a destination as my Bishop would say. Honestly I don't even think its MY battle or demon. I got into this fight through sexual abuse as a child. The enemy will attach things to you as a child because you haven't learned your power yet. I can go into that more later. 

I HATE IT.

BREATHE, CALM DOWN.

I SAID I HATE "IT" as in the demon and the sin.. NOT MYSELF. I AM A CHILD OF GOD AND WILL OVERCOME THIS! 

This sin/demon has a caused me to not only have sex with people I would have never touched in my right mind but also develop a habit of masturbation. I know you're mind blown that I am talking about this, but I have met so many women (especially in ministry) who struggle with this...and all of them are either too embarrassed or too terrified of being judged to talk about it. Well I am not either.

I use to be though.. 

terrified..embarrassed. Scared people would turn on me for talking about it. Actually about a year in a half ago they did. I lost so many people and felt so much judgement for being the victim of sexual abuse as a CHILD. CRAZY RIGHT?! 

But I am not here to go into that story yet, I am here to say that I have been in this fight since I was 9 years old. I have had dreams and thoughts that disgust me. I literally can feel myself get sick every time. Although my mind and my spirit felt disgust.. my flesh felt pleasure and weakness. So no, its not just you. But we don't have to keep giving in and just taking it. We CAN fight back! 

Is it easy? of course not.. nothing in the Kingdom of God is. We have to continuously put on our armor and not get caught slipping by the enemy! Ephesians 6:10-18 can help with that. 

Reading this scripture every morning and/or when I feel attacked has helped me so much. And when I don't.. well I can tell the difference. For those of us who battle this, let me tell you that sex is NOT the answer. Your flesh and the enemy will try to convince you that it feels so good and you need to do it. The enemy will tell you that you cant help it and your too weak to fight it. The craziest lie the enemy has ever told me about this is "God forgives right? so go ahead he wont be mad!" 

THE DEVIL IS A LIAR AND A TWISTER OF THE WORD OF GOD!

YES GOD forgives and his mercy is made new daily (Lamentations 3:21), but we also are not to "TEST" GOD. We are not supposed to KNOWINGLY do things JUST because we know God will forgive us. We are supposed rebuke the lies of the enemy and stand on the word of God. Now lets be honest, we all fall short right? SURE! So do NOT feel bad..we can fight this fight together. Sometimes, for most of us, we were abused sexually at a really young age. So we began to think that sex meant love (since most of the time it was by someone we loved), so we live our lives using sex to solve all our problems and make people love us. It is truly so much better to just be alone then continuing to give our bodies to someone who doesn't value us the way we deserve. I made a decision to be celibate and wait until I am married to have sex. 

WHY?

Well like I said before, I had an addiction. So sex was how I expressed myself and not one person I "expressed" myself to even valued my spirit enough to deserve my body. Also because I have learned that sex is something the enemy uses to transfer demons amongst people. I refuse to have to carry or fight anymore demons that don't belong to me. I don't want you to have to either. And of course the obvious facts that GOD said to wait until marriage. It is not easy but we can do it. 

Let me share a list of things I do to help stay away from this sin and not fall victim to this demon. 

1. PRAY WITHOUT CEASING

    *You must pray morning, noon, and night! Pray multiple times a day and never stop. Even if you feel you have overcome the demon, PRAY SOME MORE!

2. PUT ON THE ARMOR OF GOD DAILY

    *Read Ephesians 6:10-18 as soon as you wake up in the morning. (maybe even read the whole book in study)

3.PROTECT YOUR GATES (eyes, ears. mouth)

    *Be mindful of what you watch, listen to, and speak. Don't have conversations that could lead to you committing the sin. REMEMBER the enemy is lurking and looking for any IN to disturb your walk. I listen to sermons and gospel music most of the day. This keeps me safe and protected all day long. It may be harder depending on who your around, but try your hardest. Its worth it. 

4. STAY CONNECTED TO THE OIL OVER YOUR LIFE

    *This is important! Sometimes we slip up and the guilt and shame of the committed sin shut us up and shut us out, don't let it, but sometimes it happens. So it is important to stay connected to our spiritual leadership and family. God will show them when your under attack or in danger. Then they can intercede for you and help you fight that demon. Deliverance is real and it works. 

I know, this is a lot. But its so real and so important. I spent so much time suffering this fight alone because I thought it was just me and listen I WAS WRONG. There are so many women and people who struggle with this and are scared to open up about it just like you are. So here we are, in a safe space and talking about it freely. Because the first step to KILLING a demon is EXPOSING it! One day I will share some stories of when I gave in, but more of when I STOOD FIRM. Today though, I just want to encourage you, give some pointers, and let you know that your not alone 😙

I believe in you. 

I believe in US. 

WE WILL WIN. 

WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE, WE WILL OVERCOME THIS!

With Love,

Your sister EIT Symone 💜

EPHESIANS 6:10-18

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."

LAMENTATIONS  3:21

"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

I AM JUST LIKE YOU!

HI! 

First of all, thank you for coming and checking me out. This is so exciting for me since I have always wanted to have a blog! I am still researching so many sites, but so far this works! I know your probably wondering what I'm doing or who I think i am that wanna blog and try to help people, huh? 

Well to answer your question, I am just like you. A young 30 year old woman trying to follow Christ and find my place in this world. I am no different or any more important than you are. I actually hope that's what connects us. I am hoping my transparency and humility will make you feel safe here. I plan to share my experiences and stories to entice you to start your own journey to destiny, (see how I did that lol) 

But seriously, I do. The reason I say journey is because I'm not done yet and neither is GOD. He is definitely still working on me. Building me and teaching me so many things about myself, about him, and about life. The biggest lesson lately? WE ALL NEED SOMEBODY. Life is not meant to be lived alone although sometimes we convince ourselves of that. But why would God create so many people if we weren't meant to be together? See, making you think already. But we will come back to that, let me introduce myself. 

My name is Symone and I am from the burning hot desert of Phoenix, Arizona. I have one child, a son. Who is the love of my life! (I'm sure you will hear a lot about him here lol) I own a business, beauty business. Dripping Glam Cosmetics(my other baby). I do hair and make products, we can talk more about that later as well. I am a Evangelist in Training at New Grace House of Worship, which saved my life. I started this blog to connect with other mothers, sisters, daughters, women of God, soon to be Women of God, and everyone else who is like me. I pray we all can connect and grow together. I pray as we all Journey To Destiny, we get closer and learn a lot about each other. But ultimately, I pray we learn a lot about our HEAVENLY FATHER JESUS CHRIST!

Talk to you soon!

__Your sister Symone💘