💙 ERVIN K. HARRIS
That was his name. I recently read another blog that shed so much light on that word "WAS" but I wont dig into that until she gives me permission because I'm not a thief.
But his name was Ervin Khalif Harris also known as YG BMB.
Honestly, and I have never said this out loud. I do NOT like YG BMB. I LOVE ERVIN. I ADORE KHALIF.
All of them were my brother though, but YG BMB got him killed. Yes that's right, he didn't die of natural causes. He was robbed of young life. Robbed of experience. Robbed of a chance to do better. He was confident and powerful and someone killed him for it. In broad daylight, on Thanksgiving 2019 around 11:45am. I still think its crazy that early in the day on a holiday some man woke up with an evil heart and a plan to kill someone. "I think ill take a man from his family today"
That is what he did, he took a man from his mother and father.
From his sisters.
From his brothers.
From his daughter.
From everyone who loves him. Loved him. I don't think this should be past tense because we STILL love him and it STILL hurts. Thanksgiving has never been the same for me after this. Stirring macaroni and cheese has never been simply constructing the most delicious pasta of the black community anymore. It is the sound of heartbreak. The sound of death. The sound of robbery. The sound of murder. The sound that stopped my heart and world for months.
I will never forget standing in the kitchen of my project and answering my sisters call ready to yell about how bomb dinner was about to be. If you haven't figured it out yet, I was stirring my macaroni and cheese when I picked up. Immediately I heard her scream. This wasn't just any scream. This was the most horrific scream that I had..no that I have.. ever heard in my life. I immediately in so many ways knew someone was dead. They had to be. Nobody screams like that unless someone who is not supposed to be dead, is dead. All she kept saying was "They shot him, they shot him". Immediately I'm like wait what?
Now back story.. when I was nine years old my uncle was also robbed, yes murdered. So this was something I was familiar with. This call, this energy I was feeling through the phone. The tightness in my stomach. I had felt it all before, only this time was stronger. Maybe because I was older or maybe because my heart knew it was my brother. Either way it was stronger.
So finally I get the courage to ask the question that cracked my heart, we will get to the one that broke my heart soon, but the question "They shot who?" cracked my heart right down the middle. Now if I'm being honest, I knew the answer to this question before I even asked. I don't know how but I did. I knew that my world was about to shatter. My sister screamed probably louder then she was at first into the phone and said "ERVIN!". The crack got deeper, the only question left to ask, although the scariest question in my life, just escaped my lips before I could even register what she just said. "Is he dead? Sis is my brother dead?!" Her answer BROKE my heart. Broke it into a million pieces. So many pieces that its only the grace of God himself that it is coming back together. "YES!" SHE SCREAMED.
My brother. My baby brother. My little brother. My heart. My love. My guy. My protector. The one that came when everyone else wouldn't. Was dead. Body laying cold in the middle of the Lindo park parking lot. Face down with multiple bullet holes in his body.
He. Was. Gone. Forever.
I hopped in my dodge charger (I loved that car and that's probably why God took it) and attempted to drive down the street in a car that was overheating by the time I left my project parking lot. Oh yeah, did I forget to say he was killed less then 10 minutes from my house? Talk about pain. I made it to the middle lane of 19th ave and buckeye and started throwing up all over my car. By the time I got to the QT on 19th ave and southern, I was in a full blown panic attack. Some how I managed to call the mistake I was making at the time (I will give you that story at another time) and she came to give me a ride to the park where my brothers dead body still lay. Now at the time of arrival, I didn't know this. She saw the coroners van and realized it. I had no idea that the van still being there meant it was a body still there. As I walked over towards where I saw a crowd of people and the yellow tape I was greeted by familiar faces from my childhood. "I am so sorry symone, we know what your brother meant to you." "I am so sorry we know how close yall were.", but the truth was..Nobody Knew. Nobody could even begin to imagine what that dead man in the street meant to me. Nobody knew that everything I believed died that day. It lay right there with him.
How did I survive this tragedy?
GOD.
HIS LOVE. HIS MERCY. HIS GRACE. HIS GUIDANCE. HIS MIRACLES. HIS BLESSINGS.
He never let up. He never stopped loving on me or working on me even though I lost every bit of myself. Remember that sex addiction I told you about? Well, this was a time in my life it got bad. REAL BAD. I felt like sex could heal me. If I had sex even for a moment, I felt human. I felt something. Because after that day, I felt nothing. This was a lie and God wasted no time in showing me that. SEX IS NOT THE ANSWER AND IT CAN NOT HEAL A BROKEN HEART. If anything it will break it more.
To make matters worse, On my birthday December 17th, 2019, I was standing in front of my brothers casket at his wake. His funeral would be the following day and I would watch all my broken hearted brothers carry his casket and load all of what was left of their hearts into the back of that hearse. Now, I use to be angry about my parents scheduling his funeral on my birthday, but one day it made sense. See, growing up nobody ever came to my birthday parties. So they usually ended in me crying and saying how much I hated everyone. The last birthday I had before he was killed, he was still in prison. After everyone in the free world forgot that it was my birthday, he called. From prison to wish me a happy birthday. This was amazing because how is it the man in prison remembers but the free souls could care less. Anyway, he heard me crying and knowing what was wrong he said "I'm coming home sis, and I'm never missing another birthday!" This helped me believe that this all was for a purpose. This was my brother keeping his promise to me, even in death. I didn't know anything after that. I had no idea how I was going to move forward, but I knew I had to because I was a single mom of the most precious little boy in the world and he deserved for me to keep going. Now How? At the time I had no idea, but now I know that it was the LORD.
Nothing BUT GOD.
I guess that's the point of me sharing this story, here we are. November 2022, a week shy of Thanksgiving and although his trial just started and I am no where near completely over it, I am better. I am here. Living. Loving, and writing this blog without breaking down. GOD IS GOOD!
See it will be the hardest battles, the tallest mountains you face. The ones that seem impossible to overcome, where GOD will show up and do that thing that he does. He won't leave you, even though it will feel like he is not there. HE IS THERE. He is there molding the clay of your victory and cradling you in his arms. He loves you and helping you get through your hardest times is his pleasure. It gives him joy to love on you. So let him. Even though this was one of the hardest times of my life, I found myself still picking up my bible sometimes. Still studying and praying. Not as often but the fact that I still did lets me know he was there. Because it wasn't me picking up that Bible. It was HIM opening my hands and placing that Bible in them. GOD IS GOOD, even when times are not.
So anybody reading this who has lost someone in the past, lost someone recently, or is in the process of losing someone. Understand this, GOD IS WITH YOU AND YOU WILL BE OKAY. YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT. Just sit still and let God be God!
If anybody would like me to add you to my prayer list as we all heal from the lost of the ones we love, please comment and let me know!
With Love and Prayer,
your sister EIT Symone 💪
PSALM 34:18
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
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